In the wake of President Barack Obama’s recent victory, the Federal Emergency Management Agency may soon open “concentration camps” — some of which are in South Florida — to detain anyone who disagrees with the government authority, Everett Wilkinson, chairman of South Florida’s Tea Party, told New Times Thursday. “There…
Florida Atlantic University is reporting that an armed intruder has been spotted on their Boca campus. Early reports say the intruder is in the Arts & Letters building. He is described is a black male, about five-foot-ten, with a muscular build. He is reportedly wearing white pants and a white shirt. Police…
Former Miami Dolphins wide receiver Brandon Marshall was asked about the latest rash of NFL player suspensions tied to amphetamines, including the ADHD drug Adderall. Marshall, who is now playing with the Chicago Bears, answered that he doesn’t know much about Adderall but that he’s heard of players taking boner…
A few weeks ago, we told you about a group of Floridans fed up with all that government interference (like roads and hospitals and police and stuff) and put together a petition on the White House’s website to allow the state to “peacefully” secede from the United States LEST OBAMA…
Michael Venditto, a Boca Raton cheerleading coach, was arrested Wednesday on charges of sexual battery and unlawful sexual activity involving two teenage girls, according to the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office. Venditto, 27, is charged with unlawful sexual activity with one of his 17-year-old cheerleaders, and also allegedly committed lewd…
Two people reportedly won the giant huge Powerball drawing was last night. AND NEITHER OF THOSE PEOPLE WERE YOU. And, even though this was a Florida lottery thing and Florida bought most of the tickets, nobody from Florida actually won. Because Jesus hates you, Florida. The winning tickets were apparently…
The good news: You can still get absolutely wasted at all your favorite Native American hangouts — and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop you. The bad news: All we had to do was sacrifice our society’s guiding sense of accountability. Earlier this week, the United States Supreme Court…
You probably know Cialis as that boner drug with the annoying commercial of a sex-deprived couple sitting in separate bathtubs gazing toward the horizon. The announcer says something about the dangers of erections lasting more than four hours and viewers get grossed out thinking about baby boomers with raging hard-ons. But this week,…
The busty clerk at Grateful J’s head shop in Boca Raton holds out a small brown vial. The label reads “Lucky,” and she promises the stuff packs a punch. “You’ll want to throw it to the back of your throat,” she suggests. “I’d say drink the whole thing. Maybe drink…
Rick Scott announced today that home and business security company ADT will be bringing 120 new jobs over the next two years to Boca Raton. Last month, Palm Beach County commissioners approved $184,000 in incentives to ADT. These new jobs will add to the nearly 700 ADT employees already based…
According to the Manatee County Sheriff’s Office, Esric Davis had himself the worst possible day imaginable when he couldn’t satisfy his lady sexually and then got the crap beat out of him by her. Raquel Gonzalez was arrested and charged with felony domestic battery and is being held in the…
A St. Petersburg man was arrested after he killed his roommate by stabbing him in the chest with a kitchen knife. The reason for the murder? A dispute over a missing corn dog. Corey Lamont Walker, 36, was arrested on a second-degree murder charge after he attacked Anthony Kimball Smith,…
Boca Raton millionaire Marty O’Boyle doesn’t like politicians scandalizing up his county, dag gummit. So he’s doing what any millionaire with loads of time on his hands would do to combat such a thing: He’s going to fly a big-ass blimp over Palm Beach County to shame elected officials when they…
The board of Citizen Property Insurance met yesterday to consider important ways of trying to make its basically insolvent company financially sound. But instead of coming up with a financial plan, the wise men of the state-run windstorm insurer blamed the media — mostly the Tampa Bay Times and the Miami…
In case you didn’t know, tonight is the big, huge, very gigantic Florida Powerball drawing. And even though the odds of getting hit in the face by a bolt of lightning are far better than winning the Powerball, people in Florida are still apparently buying tickets for it in droves…
Charlie Crist, who jetted all over the state and nation in the days and weeks before Election Day, is not in line to snare any Cabinet positions in a new Obama administration — at least, not that Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz has heard. Sorry, Charlie. Can’t get no love. The…
Chris SweeneySeveral hundred yards before traffic cones wedge northbound traffic on Fort Lauderdale’s scenic A1A into a single, slow-moving lane, a yellow sign alerts drivers and pedestrians that they’re smack in the middle of a turtle nesting zone. But now that strong tides, rough seas, and severe erosion have decimated a four-block stretch of…
The family of Ana Gloria Garcia-Gutierrez, the 53-year-old St. Petersburg woman arrested for molesting a manatee, is none too fired up about cops arresting her after she committed a crime. Police arrested Gutierrez at her job in a St. Petersburg Sears over the weekend on a warrant for violating the…
It was only a matter of time before the whole Elmo sex scandal thing had a Florida connection. Because a gay sex puppet scandal ain’t a gay sex puppet scandal until the Sunshine State gets involved, dammit! A Florida man identified only as “John” filed a lawsuit in U.S. District…
Florida Power & Light Co. and Progress Energy Florida won approval by the state on Monday to charge customers $294 million in costs for future nuclear facilities in 2013. Which means your monthly FPL bill will go up by at least $2.59. Hooorrray, Florida! On Tuesday, Florida’s Public Service Commission…
A Delray Beach groundskeeper was arrested for going all Carl Spackler on some ducks at the apartment complex where he works. Maintenance supervisor Scott Jensen, 48, was arrested and charged after he went up onto a rooftop and started taking out ducks with a high-powered rifle like a sniper. The…
A man in southwest Florida was arrested for running around naked on a golf course and wreaking all kinds of havoc and ballyhoo with his nakedness. According to Pasco Sheriff’s Office deputies, the unidentified man ran around a Tarpon Springs golf course early Tuesday morning, completely nude. He also appeared…
